Saturday, February 19, 2011

Hold On

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Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones?
I guess that we were once
Babe, we were once
But luck will leave you 'cause it is a faithless friend
And in the end,
When life has got you down
You've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around

So hold on to me tight
Hold on to me tonight
We are stronger here together
Than we could ever be alone
So hold on to me
Don't you ever let me go

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart
But it's no one's fault
No, it's not our fault
Maybe all the plans we made might not workout
But I have no doubt, even though it's hard to see
That I've got faith in us
And I believe in you and me

So hold on to me tight
Hold on I promise it'll be alright
'Cause it's you and me together
And baby, all we've got is time
So hold on to me
Hold on to me tonight

There's so many dreams that we have given up
Take a look at all we've got
And with this kind of love
What we've got here is enough

So hold on to me tight
Hold on l promise it'll be alright
'Cause we are stronger here together
Than we could ever be alone
Just hold on to me,
Don't you ever let me go
Hold on to me, it's gonna be alright

Hold on to me tonight

Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones?

"Hold On" - Michael Buble

Friday, February 4, 2011

Sometimes It Ain't Pretty

Oh, how I have tried to make this blog a pretty place - making our lives seem like we lie in a bed of roses, frolic in a field of lavender. I rarely write about the tough stuff because I'm afraid it's just too revealing. (Thus why this post is so vague.) I've skirted around issues and made light of our difficulties. I kept thinking, "who wants to read about our woes anyway?" I even started this blog amidst a very difficult time in our lives and have still managed to post positive things, happy moments, and silly quips about my own shortcomings and niceties. I don't want to complain. I've said that before. I don't want to whine. I've said that before too. But I do want to tell the truth.

And the truth is, we need prayer. A lot of it.

We haven't been given a cancer diagnosis. We haven't experienced a sudden death. And we aren't getting divorced. And for those things we are extremely thankful. But we are experiencing pain and suffering that has, until this point, been so private and lonely that it has literally made us both physically sick.

We have been plunged so deeply into a financial crisis due to the closure of Michael's business two years ago that sometimes we can't see the light. And when I say 'plunged,' I literally mean inadvertently flung, thrown, shoved into suffering that was so unforseeable that we sometimes can't even form questions to ask or prayers to say. I'm sure you're thinking, 'oh, I guess it's bankruptcy then.' Nope. Been there. Survived it and surpassed any and all expectations of recovery, and again, we are so thankful to have gotten through that. But just when the light was peeking through the clouds and we were stabilizing, feeling our way around our new beginning...disaster. Unbeknownst to us, there was a tax mess from the closed business brewing behind the scenes that we never imagined. And because Michael owned the company, (how convenient) the guilty parties are fleeing innocently as we stand for the beating, enter the fire, and cling to the tiniest shred of rope left to grab on to.

Confusion grips our minds daily. We live in survival mode, just getting by, doing only the necessary tasks to keep a house running and our dogs fed. We pray. We cry. We try to find the good in our days and squeak by on those miniscule bits of happiness. We dig deep for joy. We are counseled and we read our Bibles. But sometimes, it's just too much to bear and our human spirits become crushed under pressure that we didn't know could exist.

And perhaps worst of all, I have watched as the strong, confident, man of God I married crumbles into a pit of fear and despair that I don't know how to show him the way out of. He has faced so many undeserved blows that it amazes me that he can still stand. The pain is deep.

I feel guilty even writing this - that it's unnecessary to be so dramatic. And while that's probably the case, it's still the truth.

Now hear this:
We are Christians. We love God and trust Jesus Christ as our Savior and Lord. We admit every day how blessed we are to be where we are, surrounded by the people in our lives, and know that our strength truly comes only from Him. We don't want pity. We know our troubles could be so much worse. We know we have each other to share the burden. These troubles are short-lived and we will somehow make it out alive. We know we are being refined, and we consider that a reason for rejoicing - that God loves us enough to mold us in the fire, together. But we also know when to ask for help, and we ask for your prayers.

I also want to make mention of how this revelation came to pass. Exactly six years ago tonight, Michael and I met for the very first time. It was magic. Everything really did seem like a bed of roses and a field of lavender and I couldn't have imagined that this is where we'd be in six short years. However, if you had told me then what we would be enduring now, and that we'd be wrestling with our sanity over another supper from a sack when we "celebrated" this night, I still would have most definitely signed on for the ride. I am learning so much about love and devotion that I otherwise would have missed. I am learning so much about myself  and what real faith is that I otherwise wouldn't have learned. And most importantly, we experience God's love, grace, and faithfulness in a measure that we wouldn't have witnessed any other way. And that is truly amazing to me.

I have no idea how I will ever return to regular blogging after a post like this - I mean, writing a post that pours our souls onto the screen then writing an ode to how much I love Glee just seems weird to me. But I suppose we'll all manage. Maybe it's a nice break from reading about my meltdowns over crafts. Who knows. Nonetheless, thank you for indulging me. Thank you for not judging us as we lay our hearts on the line. And thank you for your prayers.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11